I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
