so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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