You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
