i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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