Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
