My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
