HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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