the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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