Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
