you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
