if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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