would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
