Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
