my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
