Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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