I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
