I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
