I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Four minutes until I can fart!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
