Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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