no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize