i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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