No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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