I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Randomize
