I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
