I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think my fart just growled at me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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