Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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