Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
