I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
