Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
