I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
