Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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