dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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