A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
