So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
