Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
