We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
