Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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