oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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