Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
