Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is Oprah even human
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
