Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
