I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
