Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
