Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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