New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
