I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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