after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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