Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
