Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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