billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
