I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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