just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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