the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I love you.
Bad choice
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