Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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