Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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