In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
