Your dad touched me again.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize