every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
