the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
