I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Houston, we have a squirter
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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