Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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